Like the men they are attached to, penises come in all shapes, sizes, colors and dispositions. Some Porridge Guns are too hot, while others are too cold; some are happy, grumpy, sleepy or bashful. In the world of Goldicocks and the Seven Dwarves of Dicks, here are the top 10 penile insecurities that don’t always produce a happy ending.
10. Too Big (there is no such thing) – For most men, tipping the scales in size is far from being a problem, yet some find that their manaconda instills more fear than your average one-eyed trouser snake.
9. Too Small (is it in yet?) – Tiny Tim once said, “God bless us everyone,” and he especially meant those poor unfortunate souls with wee willie winkies.
8. Too Thick (it won’t hurt) – When it comes to meat sticks and blue-veined sausage, girth can be friend or foe depending on the fit. A hairy hot dog that plumps when you cook it may not fly in everyone’s ballpark.
7. Too Thin (pencil it in) – In a world where skinny reigns supreme, a too thin thumper may be deemed less exciting than inserting a gentle glide tampon.
6. Too Fast (whining the race) – While we appreciate a “Speedy Gonzales”-like skill and premature ejaculatory stamina, it’s usually better when we have a chance to take our panties off.
5. Too Slow – (slow boat to China) This one goes out to the erectile dysfunctional ones we love whose tools remain limp even after hours of foreplay. Slow and steady doesn’t always win the race, and these Olimpians will always swear it’s never happened to them before.
4. Too Curvy (around the bend) – The trouble with the curve? Although a curvy tan banana can be fun for the adventurous, some partners just don’t bend it like Beckham that way.
3. Too Bumpy (inter-coarse)– At times there are bumps in the road that make us stronger, and at times there are bumps on the penis that make us visit the free clinic.
2. Too Foreskinny (the penis, uncut!) – While some love the autumnal sweater sheathed-like look of an uncircumcised penis, most folks will say they like their tools the way they like their favorite jeans … perfectly cut.
1. Too Lonely (get out the tissues and vaseline) – And the biggest hang-ups men have about their Just-in Beavers? They don’t have anyone to play with.