LIBRA: People may bully you this week, mostly because your knees are shaking from the pressure you’re under. Time to put on your bad-ass costume (no, not the Batman costume, then you’ll just look like you’re going to Comicon), and stand up for yourself! Wear that evil monkey costume to work and throw poop at people, (they’ll stay away from you after that), or wear that spiked, vinyl body suit, (which is always helpful if vampires attack). Also, people don’t expect you to tell them off, so let out a “fuck you” more often. You should practice saying “fuck you,” to strangers and dogs; you’ll thank me later.
SCORPIO: Usually I don’t have to tell a Scorpio this, but you need to practice sex this week; preferably with another person. Either you haven’t had sex in a long time (you might want to lose that pocket protector and Hot Wheels comforter), or you don’t feel that you are good enough. You know what your mom would say, “Do your best and you’ll do just fine dear.” I disagree. Practice makes perfect! Try new positions and different places (besides your bed and stinky van). Be creative! Use the food or condiments in your house on your bodies, but DO NOT use potato chips. They chafe.
SAGITTARIUS: It’s time to spend some quality time and learn new things to complain about by visiting an elder family member, friend or stranger! They will have some interesting stories! Ask them about when they had the clap before the clap was even popular! Surprisingly enough, you don’t have to travel to Ben-Gay Arizona, or orange-tan Florida to find one, there are old people in YOUR town! Take some advice by the people that invented advice! Have them tell you what it was like to only have one-ply toilet paper! Don’t be afraid to ask questions, especially about why they always put outdated, tooth chipping, (sometimes hairy), candy in their dish for the kids to take.
CAPRICORN: Something wonderful may happen with your intestines this week. Also, something in your home might fall apart, (perhaps wound or kill). Yes, it’s time to mend, fix, mold, adjust, have sex and jump around the house. The last thing you need is to have a party and the ceiling comes down on a hot stripper, or all of your guests. No one likes butt hair in their beer, a pancreas in their margarita, or get their mini wiener knocked out of their hand by shower curtains. You also may want to clean your kitchen, there’s something in the fridge or under the oven that’s learning how to dance.
AQUARIUS: An old flame may connect with you again this week. This will either A) make you want to stick a spork in your eye, or B) make you wonder if you could have worked it out with him or her, and then think constantly about genitals. Don’t jump in or it may cause warts, Ebola, or just a bad case of jail. Protect your emotions with an invisible helmet, but don’t tell anyone you’re wearing your, “hurt suit” of they will put you in the funny farm where you also will run into another ex. Small world.
PISCES: Whoopee, you’ll have friend duty this week. Someone is sad, lonely, a little bloated and needs help from a weird friend–you. You are gonna play matchmaker! I know that you would rather get your butthole pierced, or eat a whole jar of mayonnaise, or even touch a Mormon rather than do this, but your friend needs you! Besides you owe this friend for the times she bailed you out of jail, stopping you from murdering your boss with a staple gun and that time she gave you her urine to pass that drug test. Remember?
ARIES: You may have already busted your New Year’s resolutions…or you will sometime this week. Something is going to distract you and may put a halt on your creepy thoughts and half ass projects. Distractions CAN be fun! Perhaps you might accidently find yourself at the nude beach and end up to be the only one with sun lotion. Slather it up, buttercup! If you don’t you’ll be the only person with Viagra at the old folk’s home. Or, you’ll be the only one at work (or school) to fix the computer, which is distracting you from world domination plans. You might also want to change Business-casual Fridays, to Loin-Cloth Friday!
TAURUS: Friends may irritate the shit out of you this week. Instead of getting pissed, have fun with it by annoying them back. Make sure they see you pick your nose and then pat them on the back, tie a goat to their car, preferably a live one, tell after they get their coffee, that there was no coffee filters left, and you used a pair of your old underwear, or send them a package at work, school or home with a return shipping name The National Blowup Doll Collector’s Co., or Mold Your Boobs for Fun Kit! If none of these work, remember that it’s always annoying getting a dirty stick in the eye.
GEMINI: A stranger will show you his or her genitals this week…so look forward to that. Besides that, you’ll have a relatively boring time with the exception of a small hamster or emu escape. Use your time to work mind and body by building something! Make something out of wood, recycled food, egg cartons, your mom’s two year old fruitcake, your toenail collection or even that fuzzy stuff growing in your fridge! Build a bat house, or better yet, a bat. If you don’t use your imagination now, you will not have enough practice to finish your exotic, Sci-fi novel!
CANCER: You’ve been conservative with your money long enough. In fact, perhaps so cheap your friends are getting pissed that you don’t buy a round of beers when it’s your turn, you don’t tip the only stripper that doesn’t have that “meth” look, and/or when you guys go to the movies, you don’t chip in on the $15 popcorn because the guy-behind-the-counter-doesn’t-bathe excuse. Sheesh, picky! It’s time to pay your friend back, and no, I don’t mean send them a 15 cent thank you post card. Throw a toga party with free booze, have a creamed corn wrestling contest with free petting zoo…because nothing says “I love you”, more than a stinky, pigmy goat!
LEO: This week would be a great time to reach your old, childhood memories! Yes, it’s time for fun! It’s time for child’s play (not the movie, unless one of your goals was to scare your children). Perhaps now you can try for pinball wizard of the universe, take your miniature cars, duct tape them to your feet and try to skate, masturbate in your room with your door open, get that eye-poking, sharp Madonna bra you’ve always wanted, have chocolate cake for breakfast and wieners for desert, dress as a Thunder cat, Transformer, or as Cookie Monster with rabies and scare strangers!
VIRGO: Find the beauty in life this week. Do this because you are extra emotional and your friends are tired of you crying over small things like, that terrible Gecko commercial and most of Jay Leno’s jokes. Beauty is everywhere, your lovely TV, those attractive feet of yours, those perfect notches on your bed post. See the beauty in your friends, like the delicate way they play naked Twister with you! Just think about how beautiful it is that you don’t live close to your family, or how lovely it is not to have that thick mustache like your sister! Even though that is a thing of beauty the way is grows out.