Aries
Get a kitten. Seriously, even if you’re allergic, get the allergy shot and pick yourself up a bundle of furry joy. The Winter is looking long for you Aries, and we want you to be ready to tackle the darkness with a kitten instead of cocaine (or whatever that stuff we found in your medicine cabinet is ). Finances will be pretty good for you with your anti-social behavior saving you a bar tab or two, but those long nights at home come with iTunes and eBay temptation. Play with your kitten, and look at free porn. Like…separately. Or whatever? Yeah.
Taurus
Remember that time you said you were a virgin cause you were at camp with a bunch of virgins and didn’t want to feel skanky? They knew you were lying. How do you feel now? You lied to a bunch of virgins! Oh wait, that’s kind of your thing, isn’t it? Well stop it. Even if you haven’t been lying to others anymore, you’ve been lying to yourself. Hiding the credit card statement doesn’t make it disappear. And hiding your talents at work doesn’t get you the raise you deserve to tackle the debt. Let your star shine and pay some bills already. Geez. Even we believe in you, dammit.
Gemini
I have some kinda good news. You know how life has been a real crapfest for you lately? Well, it’s stabilizing. Not getting better per se, just not progressing at any noticeable speed toward ‘even worse’. For some reason the stars seem to think that if you focus your attention on cleaning your kitchen, stuff may even start to improve. You have bad mojo or something. Or bad milk? I don’t remember. Something bad that needs to get good before the downward spiral begins once again. Just throw out bad ‘m’ words – mascara, masking tape, that ‘Maneater’ cassingle you can’t seem to part with. All that stuff.
Cancer
While so many are looking for love in all the wrong places, you seem to have the places pretty well covered. Truck stop bathroom? Check! Coffee shop bathroom? Check! Public library bathroom? Check! (Really, Cancer, the library? WTF?!) But it’s not really love you’re finding in those bathrooms, now is it? No Cancer, it is not love. It just tastes the same. And in addition to a burning sensation, it can actually leave you quite lonely. Take some time to evaluate what you really want from life and love, and make it your mission to make it a reality – happiness awaits with a little perseverance! In the meantime, wear those slip-resistant shoes for your bathroom adventures. You’re one thrust away from another concussion!
Leo
Roar, roar, roar. You’re the lion, we get it. Congratu-fuckin-lations, Leo, you win. Enjoy being the life of the party. Enjoy your devil-may-care attitude. Enjoy it and enjoy it now. Because we see herpes in your future, Leo. Lots and lots of herpes. Unless, of course, you start to recognize you aren’t invincible. Your pride is a positive, but can slip into a negative very easily. Stay humble, appreciate your friends, and keep your ears open and shoulder free for someone who might need it very soon.
Virgo
This month calls for some organization in all aspects of your life. You haven’t worn matching socks since Spring, and the last time your bank account balanced people still thought the Catholic Church was a decent institution. The time has come to get it all together, and we promise it will feel amazing to know where everything is, and where everything stands. Plus, those dreams will stop where you lose a baby in a pile of garbage and she morphs into a giant tooth that attacks you until you’re just a mess of molar-shaped holes. You aren’t having that dream? Oh. Ummm. Well get organized or you will. And you don’t want that – that dream sucks!
Libra
Seriously, Libra. The time has come to get your shit together. People stopped buying your ‘finding myself’ crap long ago. You aren’t dumb. Everyone knows you aren’t dumb. You knew that kid in high school was going to be a stunner once the braces came off and the acne cleared up, and you pounced before the transformation was complete, earning yourself some awesomely hot, and well-deserved, oral. But you’ve been kind of slipping. You’re lucky enough that a little ambition will go a long way. Decide what and who you want to be, and strike now. No, not tomorrow, Libra. Now!
Scorpio
There may be some rather unnecessary speed bumps at work this month, but you’re getting pretty accustomed to dealing with this crap. Management tends to frown on fun, so we suggest answering that frown with a good old-fashioned pee party! Pee is free, pee is unexpected, and pee smells terrible when it’s poured all over someone’s chair with the heat cranked up and the door locked. You know what we’re saying, Scorpio – you’re good at that reading between the lines business. I mean, this is a metaphor of course. We just think you should use your natural skills to climb up and over a difficult career situation. Apply the brains you were born with to overcome obstacles with grace, and exceed even your own expectations for yourself. Oh, who are we kidding? That’s not what we mean at all. Take a hot piss on your boss’s chair, crank up the thermostat, and lock the door behind you. It won’t help your situation at work necessarily, but it will feel soooo fucking good.
Sagittarius
Have you ever read one of those books of statistics where you learn how many people out of 100 are something or other? Like, apparently 1 out of every 25 is a sociopath or something like that? I have. And I shouldn’t have. I just keep thinking about how many people at work could stab me without any emotion, and watch me die while they nonchalantly smoked a cigarette. I think about how many men in the mall have raped someone. I think about how many people I have casually talked with at a party might have been a murderer. I think about these things, and I think about them all the time, Sagittarius! All…the…time!!! So don’t read one of those books. That’s all for now.
Capricorn
I was drinking a coffee the other night while burning a tea-scented candle, and you came to mind, Capricorn. I realized how many of my Capricorn friends should be called Caffeinecorns. You are quite the caffeinated bunch! This month, try cutting back on that delicious elixir of awakeness, and see if you are simply a fan or an addict. You’re probably an addict, I’m just going to warn you now so you aren’t shocked, and you’re probably going to be really pissy when you cut back. But the fun is that you can go right back to your addiction, and for a few short weeks you have an excuse to be an asshole to whomever you wish. People respect someone trying to break an addiction, and let them get away with a lot of crap while they’re in withdrawal. Take advantage of this opportunity to tell people what you really think of them, and watch them choke back their anger. It’s so awesome.
Aquarius
As the Holiday Season approaches, your anxiety is going through the roof. And unless you step back and start picking people off that Christmas list, it’s not going to get any better. Then next year, it will grow again, and the year after that, again. Eventually, you’re buying Christmas presents for all the baristas at your favorite coffee shop, and you can barely afford socks for yourself. I don’t know when this mad present shopping trend began, but you can’t afford it, financially or time wise. Even if you have to include a “btw…not getting you a single damn thing for Christmas” in your Christmas cards, do it. Save yourself from all these ridiculous so-called obligations that you can’t stand, and you might be able to cut back on all those happy pills too. Cause you’ll actually be happy. I know, it’s a novel idea, but people were happy that way for years.
Pisces
You need to put up curtains…tonight. Your neighbors are watching, and what you think is normal sexual behavior actually gets quite a pretty subscription fee with the right camera equipment. Unless you like being the star of some creeper’s every evening, you should stop giving up that quality kink of yours to whomever is lucky enough to live in the next townhouse. Or, you could take advantage of their equipment and do a cool 50/50 deal with them? It’s your call. But if you don’t like being spank material for the socially-inept, curtains! Don’t say I didn’t warn you. (btw…that thing you do with the antacids, warm water and turkey baster…so totally worth the $29.99 a month. Just sayin’.)
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